This entry should probably be private. I just don't desire to make it so. It's going to be very emotional, painful for me to write, and perhaps painful for some to read. I apologize in full on advance.


I fully admit to being someone who suffers from depression. Although I am begining to feel that my diagnosis is wrong. Deep inside I feel I may be bipolar. I'm currently taking Zoloft, as I have been for a very VERY long time. It's no longer working. Actually... It's making me worse.

As of late, I've felt like I am a burden on everyone. I feel like I live a very trivial life that doesn't carry any meaning. I'm a horrible person, a horrible housekeeper, and in some peoples opinion a horrible mother to my two children. What these people don't know is that I feel out of control. As if everything is just outside my reach.

One minute I can be happy, smiling, enjoying what is going on around me. The BAM a trigger hits. At this point I become unbearable. I start screaming like I'm losing my mind. In all honesty I am.

The only people I don't see myself being like this to are my children. Other than that no one is safe from me and my wrath. I speak to people IRL and find myself only willing to deal with those just as fucked up if not more fucked up than me. My friends, the people who truely know me and still stick by me are all on here. They are all people I chat to. Mims, Wendie, and CM, these are people that know everything that goes on with me and still don't bend break or run. I scream, ourburst, bitch, cry, they do not run.

Sometimes I think I would be better off unable to speak. I have a wicked tounge that causes nothing but pain. I'm evil. I think I am atleast. You may not... but I believe I am. I'm hateful. I can't stand feeling chastised. Currently that is how I feel. I'm not kidding. I feel like a child that has been beaten.

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